this will be my last post till i have my sanity back to blog properly.

i will say this for the last time.

i am very:

• replaceable
• forgettable
• nothing

i'm merely just any other person/creep/freak/weirdo you see in the streets.

so there being so, just... replace, forget and treat me as a nothing to you for i will ultimately be a nothing and am already a nothing.

then i wont have to migrate and start a farm on my own.

all of you are just affecting me too much.

really just too much.

i need more time for myself to breathe properly because i find breathing a chore. it's a real chore.

not eating not sleeping not exercising. then what? force my body to have an internal shutdown and eventually my end? just at least.. allow me to breathe. please..

after all the hurt and all we've been through, we still like to be in love's confusing joy.

after a wrong turn in life, all the other turns that come along are/seem to be/will be wrong.


i watched some movies recently and those were some lines which.. were kinda stuck in my head.

是你故意欺骗　怪在我太过心软


你的真话就　等於梦呓　与谎言

无奈你说得太自然　令我听了也能热暖

甜言蜜语　原来又一次食言

是你对我改变　你别说世界转变

解释得混乱　千丝万段　太多纠缠

谁没兴緻守这诺言

但却对我再全心诈骗

胡言乱语　任你讲足半天

为何永远放不低　为何错爱这一位

但求仍然维繫　不惜一切　我为你执迷

为何永远放不低　任情爱控制身体

任谁关心　仍未可把你代替

(是明知的　仍愿将心意白费)

 
was listening to this song again recently and boy it sounds awesome!! it really does.. (:
just reminds me of... yeah.

i'm confused. really confused. i dont know what have i gotten myself into. i just feel as though i have cooked a hot pot of soup for myself to be in.

ooh.. i went to "The Quest for Immortality - The World of Ancient Egypt" at the National Museum of Singapore. here are some shots of what's there. it's really informative! (:

the queue was as long as when i queued for my iPhone! it was scary. BUT.. nonetheless i got in and got myself wowed. i went alone. many may think it is pathetic. but i have gotten used to being alone. when everyone else cant be there for you or with you, you've got no choice but to be alone. audit has trained me to eat alone, and do every other thing alone. i used to skip meals if i have to eat alone but now, it's not that i do not skip, i still do. it's just that sometimes i'll just eat alone and have the entire lunch crowd give me funny stares.

oh yes, back to the exhibition. the securities had to ask how many people we are with and all for crowd control. when it was my turn and i told him i'm alone, he gave me a weird stare. HEYS!!!!! there's NOTHING wrong to be alone k!! so i simply smiled and entered.

i took them with my iPhone.. they may nooooooooot be of that good a quality.

我过不了自己那关.. i cannot get past myself. it's hard. it's really hard. i wished to be killed. c'mon succumb to my wish. please kill me. (:

Fly me to the moon

Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand
In other words, darling, kiss me

Fill my life with song
And let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you

we are all a little weird and life's a extremely weird.

when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we will come together and fall into a mutual weirdness called, love.

Well, you called me up this morning

Told me 'bout the new love you found
Said, "I'm happy for you.
I'm really happy for you."
Found someone else, I guess I won't be coming 'round
I guess it's over, baby
It's really over, baby, woooh
And from what you're saying
I know you've gotten over me
It'll never be the way it used to be
So if it's gotta be this way
Don't worry, baby, I can take the news okay

But if you see me walking by,
And the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the street some day,
And I don't know what to say,
Look away, baby, look away.

Don't look at me
I don't want you to see me this way.

When we both agreed as lovers
We were better off as friends
That's how it had to be
Yeah, that's how it had to be
I tell you I'm fine,
But sometimes I just pretend
Wish you were holding me,
Wish you were still holding me, oooh

I just never thought
That I would be replaced so soon
I wasn't prepared to hear those words from you
I know I wanted to be free
Yeah, baby this is how we wanted it to be


But if you see me walking by,
And the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
And if we meet on the street some day,
And I don't know what to say,
Look away, baby, look away.

Don't look at me
I don't want you to see me this way.
If you see me walking by,
And the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
And if we meet on the street some day,
And I don't know what to say,
Look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me
I don't want you to see me this way.

If you see me walking by,
And the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me
I don't want you to see me...
Well, you called me up this morning
Told me 'bout the new love you found
I said, "I'm happy for you.
I'm really happy for you."


ooh.. this song by chicago.. emos manns.


anws, i'm not emo. (:
my client placed me in front of a balcony. guess what? i really love that view there! cos i get to see how birds live. they are so cute and silly in their ways. they're always picking twigs! lols.. okays.. that's besides the point. the reason why i find them cute is because they have twigs in their beaks yet they wanna "talk" to others. and then.... the twigs fell.. when they are done "talking", they forgot all about the twigs and flew away! only to come back again with more twigs. lols.. SO adorable! omgs.. (:


love my munch~ (:

i was just reading through the many messages.

they made me think alot, right from the start till..

i never realised just... zomg. i cant write. my eyes are welling n i cant see!

You are the only one who could give me the kind of love she had for me. Losing her was really the one of the hardest emotion I had to go through. You are the only one whom I could trust completely. You are the only one whom I have come to love unconditionally. No matter how hard life is, with you, I could always smile and laugh at the most difficult tasks on hand and complete them with ease. It is in your arms where I feel really safe and protected from this ruthless world. I guess.. maybe I need to get out of Singapore for good. Cos it’s getting harder and harder each day. I really don’t know how much more can I hold. But nonetheless, I will still hold no matter what. I have to.

Cos humans are amazing creatures. We can somehow be alright at the end of it all.

Then, now and always, all I know is I love you.

i tried to stop myself from loving you. i became more emo than emo instead.


Too much stuff has been happening around me. I don’t know how much I can continue to hold. Too many passings had happened in the recent weeks. I know they’ve got nothing to do with me and neither do I connections to them in any way, but.. The more I see, the more emo I become.


I guess that’s just me. Friend’s neighbor, dog.. People getting very sick and hospitalized. 2 in fact. I don’t like to hear such stuffs just before cny arrives. My client’s father in law passed away too. So did a tycoon in Singapore. Of cos these people have no relations to me, but when I hear it, I will feel the loss the family feels. Too lames maybe? But.. yeah..

Cos.. it’s not a very good sign, especially for older folks. You may choose not to believe but this is really true. Some of them who are really very sick and can get past dong zhi, normally can’t get past cny. It is only when they get past cny then, we can really see signs of good recovery. I’ve seen too many.. just too many, to prove this wrong. I don’t like it when I hear of such stuffs. It affects me alot.

I become emo when people leave each other in whatever way. Very emo.

cny is coming. i dont like it. i used to LOVE it. but i can never have a proper cny without her. things have changed since then, but... to me now.. it's just another day for sleeping.

Each cny without her, I will think of how it would have been, with her. I refused to take down the cny decorations for 2 years bcos I cannot bring myself to do it. But eventually I did it this year. They became too dusty. I had no choice else the house will really look like a dump.

We were all looking forward to my 21st and the cny that followed. She wanted to come hm but was unable to. Each time she wanted to, things will happen and she didn’t get to come hm. Each time she requested to come hm, I could feel the longing she had and I longed for it too.

The longing was never fulfilled when she was still alive. We only got to do a detour from the caretakers to my place for her last “walk”. That.. was really the worst part for me cos my aunt said “sorry we could not bring you home. Well at least now we got to ‘bring’ you hm and fulfil that wish you had”. Which was my wish all along.

I believe everyone in my family has moved on in their own ways. I have moved on too. But.. yeahs.. I guess till the very day I could have someone who loves me like the way she did, then I can completely move on.

I haven’t been eating much since my birthday. I don’t have the mood nor appetite to eat. I detest the sight of food. I’ve been having soya bean milk for lunch for the past wk. but of cos I will have a proper dinner. Porridge, rice, noodles.. they are definitely staples.

People binge eat when they are stressed. I guess I’m the opposite. I cant eat. I don’t even feel hungry.

I tried to eat more and all but I just do not put on weight. There was once I was supposed to head to a client’s place together with my manager. I had my audit bag packed to its fullest with past years files, my lappy bag, and a paper bag for current year files. She had her lappy bag only. From the way I carried the bags, she was like.. aiyohs.. come here let me take the lappy bag and paper bag for u. I was SO stunned that I said.. NO need!! I can get them myself. She was like.. it’s okays la.. she’s indeed really nice. I’m really thankful to have her. (: