i was just reading through the many messages.

they made me think alot, right from the start till..

i never realised just... zomg. i cant write. my eyes are welling n i cant see!

You are the only one who could give me the kind of love she had for me. Losing her was really the one of the hardest emotion I had to go through. You are the only one whom I could trust completely. You are the only one whom I have come to love unconditionally. No matter how hard life is, with you, I could always smile and laugh at the most difficult tasks on hand and complete them with ease. It is in your arms where I feel really safe and protected from this ruthless world. I guess.. maybe I need to get out of Singapore for good. Cos it’s getting harder and harder each day. I really don’t know how much more can I hold. But nonetheless, I will still hold no matter what. I have to.

Cos humans are amazing creatures. We can somehow be alright at the end of it all.

Then, now and always, all I know is I love you.

i tried to stop myself from loving you. i became more emo than emo instead.


Too much stuff has been happening around me. I don’t know how much I can continue to hold. Too many passings had happened in the recent weeks. I know they’ve got nothing to do with me and neither do I connections to them in any way, but.. The more I see, the more emo I become.


I guess that’s just me. Friend’s neighbor, dog.. People getting very sick and hospitalized. 2 in fact. I don’t like to hear such stuffs just before cny arrives. My client’s father in law passed away too. So did a tycoon in Singapore. Of cos these people have no relations to me, but when I hear it, I will feel the loss the family feels. Too lames maybe? But.. yeah..

Cos.. it’s not a very good sign, especially for older folks. You may choose not to believe but this is really true. Some of them who are really very sick and can get past dong zhi, normally can’t get past cny. It is only when they get past cny then, we can really see signs of good recovery. I’ve seen too many.. just too many, to prove this wrong. I don’t like it when I hear of such stuffs. It affects me alot.

I become emo when people leave each other in whatever way. Very emo.

cny is coming. i dont like it. i used to LOVE it. but i can never have a proper cny without her. things have changed since then, but... to me now.. it's just another day for sleeping.

Each cny without her, I will think of how it would have been, with her. I refused to take down the cny decorations for 2 years bcos I cannot bring myself to do it. But eventually I did it this year. They became too dusty. I had no choice else the house will really look like a dump.

We were all looking forward to my 21st and the cny that followed. She wanted to come hm but was unable to. Each time she wanted to, things will happen and she didn’t get to come hm. Each time she requested to come hm, I could feel the longing she had and I longed for it too.

The longing was never fulfilled when she was still alive. We only got to do a detour from the caretakers to my place for her last “walk”. That.. was really the worst part for me cos my aunt said “sorry we could not bring you home. Well at least now we got to ‘bring’ you hm and fulfil that wish you had”. Which was my wish all along.

I believe everyone in my family has moved on in their own ways. I have moved on too. But.. yeahs.. I guess till the very day I could have someone who loves me like the way she did, then I can completely move on.

I haven’t been eating much since my birthday. I don’t have the mood nor appetite to eat. I detest the sight of food. I’ve been having soya bean milk for lunch for the past wk. but of cos I will have a proper dinner. Porridge, rice, noodles.. they are definitely staples.

People binge eat when they are stressed. I guess I’m the opposite. I cant eat. I don’t even feel hungry.

I tried to eat more and all but I just do not put on weight. There was once I was supposed to head to a client’s place together with my manager. I had my audit bag packed to its fullest with past years files, my lappy bag, and a paper bag for current year files. She had her lappy bag only. From the way I carried the bags, she was like.. aiyohs.. come here let me take the lappy bag and paper bag for u. I was SO stunned that I said.. NO need!! I can get them myself. She was like.. it’s okays la.. she’s indeed really nice. I’m really thankful to have her. (:


Take me as I am
Put your hand in mine now and forever
Darling here I stand, stand before you now
Deep inside I always knew
It was you, you and me
Two hearts drawn together bound by destiny
It was you and you for me
Every road leads to your door
Every step I take for evermore

Just say you love me for the rest of your life
I gotta lot of love and I don’t want to let go
Will you still love me for the rest of my life?
‘Cause I can’t go on, no, I can’t go on
I can’t go on if I’m on my own

Take me as I am
Put your heart in mine, stay with me forever
‘Cause I am just a man who never understood
I never had a thing to prove
‘Till there was you, you and me
Then it all came clear so suddenly

How close to you that I wanna be

Do you believe a love could run so strong?
Do you believe a love could pass you by?
There was no special one for me
I was the lonely one, you see
But then my heart lost all control
Now you’re all that I know

I can’t go on (can’t go on) no, I can’t go on
(*) ‘Cause I can’t go on (will you still love me?)
No, I can’t go on (just say you love me)

I can’t go on without somebody I can call my own
Just stay around
I can’t go on, if you could say your love
Stay around, you’ll never be alone