another morning, another hearse.

i saw a hearse leaving near my apartment. i saw the palms of the immediate family members placed on the hearse in the attempt to walk with the deceased in the final journey of his/her life. i did not know what was the symbolism of this when i did it. it was only later when i learnt of the reason. it is normally at this point in time when it will be the saddest and most painful time for the immediately family members or friends of the deceased. it was also our "final goodbye journey" with the deceased.

this image reminded of...

she was with me through and through for 20+years in my life, just 5 months before my 21st birthday. we were in the hospital with her till her very last. everyone in the family was really looking forward to my birthday. they had gone to various jewellers to look for something suitable instead of giving me the "key" that was so cliched. they wanted mine to be special and memorable. i was not looking forward as to me, birthdays are just another day in the calendar. there is nothing special about it. in your birth, there are many others who have passed who may probably have even more celebrated lives than us in our lifetimes.

i believe not many of my friends knew the reason why i did not celebrate mine. i did not mind at all for not celebrating. i did not mind being tired and all but just really wanted to be with her. we broke all the rules about visiting only at the hospital's stipulated visiting hours. at least one of us will sleep by her. in days when her condition got slightly more critical, she will be in a room that is monitored 24hrs by nurses. even then we were not kept away. we slept outside at the corridors, only going in once in awhile to look at her. i guess besides the reason of wanting to be with her, the other reason is that in the case of any emergency procedures to be done, sometimes acknowledgement from family members are needed and we will be there to sign the forms.

i could see how dejected she was when we told her it was my birthday. but we assured her it's okays. cos as long as we are together as a family, nothing else really mattered. on days when she threw huge tantrums, we understood and tolerated. it's the conditions that make her behave so.

everyday after work, i would rush to her without fail. only on days when i had class or sometimes after class, i will still make a trip to see her before i head home. the hospital was a 20mins brisk walk from my house. all of us lost weight during the 9 months that she was there. i lost 5 and became underweight. but it was alright. everything we did, every moment with her was worth it.

she left us on the very day of mother's day.

of all days, yes, mothers day. it just made us even sadder but we will smile at the wonderful life she led and the memories and moments shared with her.

take good care wherever you are. it was nice having a life with you. sorry for the nonsense that came out of me in my growing years. we will meet in the western paradise.